It’s times like these where I’m happy that I discovered this website. I can finally talk about everything that’s been going on without worrying of the possibility of you finding it.
I’ve been struggling because I haven’t talked to anyone about what happened, why you made the decision to leave, and how I’m handling it (or rather not handling it). I felt like I was sinking back into the abyss that consumed me two years ago, but rediscovering my blog will, hopefully, be my saving grace.
We’ve been fighting constantly lately about numerous topics I can’t even begin to recall, nor do I want to. One of them that sticks out like a sore thumb is me leaving for college. I always wanted to leave for college and get as far away as possible from my hometown, but meeting you changed everything for me. Had you asked me a little over two years ago if I would be staying close to home for college, I would have laughed and said “yeah, right”, but fast forward to the present and I can’t imagine leaving, even now with you gone.
I have trust issues, I’m aware of this. Because of our not-so-good past, I am hesitant to believe certain things that you tell me, or most of the time lack of what you tell me. I was worried about the new girl at your work, but you told me I had nothing to worry about. Now that you’ve broken up with me, the first thing that came to my mind was “she was better than I am”. Whether or not she had anything to do with it, I’m unsure, but I don’t want to find out. I can’t bear to begin to think about you being with someone else. Calling someone else baby, holding their hand while mine ache for you, kissing their lips when that’s all I dream of now.
I want to text you, but I know I should be stronger than that. I know I sound pathetic by already missing you, but I can’t help it. I literally would not be alive had you not walked into my life. I gave every ounce of everything I had to you, and for what seems to be nothing. My main downfall is that I cared way too much. I wanted to tell you EVERYTHING so you never had to think about what I wasn’t telling you. You aren’t a communicator and I’m an over communicator. Talking while conflicts are happening is like poison to you, whereas it calms my nerves.
I just wanted you to be there for me. With every personal thing that has happened recently, I just wanted you to listen. To be there for me. To hold me while I cried. I wanted you to be my boyfriend, but instead you told me I was taking things out on you. That you were my punching bag, that you were tired of my constant nagging and fighting. And then you left.
I told myself I wasn’t going to cry over this anymore, because crying is weak and that ain’t me. But dammit if I haven’t even been able to pick myself off of my bathroom floor for longer than an hour. So, for now, I continue to sink back into the person that I used to be, the person I swore I would never turn back into. I didn’t want to welcome my old self, but I’m worse than I was the first time. I don’t even recognize my own reflection.
I have to help myself. I have to love myself. I have to create my own happiness because no one else can do it for me.
Until then, I’ll see you in my dreams. I love you.