You know that point in life where you start to feel old?

Not because of the number you associate with, not because of people surrounding you are getting married, and not because you feel old because you’re nearing college graduation. The kind of aging where people you knew growing up in school, because of work, or anything of the sort start dying. You always hear about or see people mourning because people they grew up with are gone and you think that it’ll never happen to you…

until it does.

It all began in my last year of high school/community college. A girl in my microbiology class sat almost directly across from me each day. One class period my teacher announces to the class that Rachel no longer would be joining us. Most thought because the rigorous curriculum was too challenging, no one thought that she would fall asleep driving and wrap her car around a tree.

Another girl that worked at a local restaurant I always go to, and have mutual friends with, Amie, died because of a brain aneurysm suddenly while working. Leaving her family, friends, and boyfriend wondering why.

Then a girl that I grew up with (2nd grade to 8th) committed suicide, along with her boyfriend. She had her struggles, much like everyone else in this world, but no one thought suicide was something she was capable of, something she wanted.

Most recently, I found out that someone I used to work with, Tyler, died in a deadly car crash.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m tired of not living my life to the fullest because of thinking there’s “always more time”. I’m tired of knowing people and watching them pass suddenly, unexpectedly.

I’m tired of getting this kind of old.

Death. If I had to sum up the time span between this time last year and the present, “death” is without a doubt the word I would choose. Today’s death though, hit me a lot harder than I had anticipated.

I wish to remember you in the most beautiful light possible, because that’s what you deserve. But, at the present moment all I can manage is the most recent way I saw you, which was you laying literally on your deathbed. Your hair all gone, the pigment in your skin was slowly, but aggressively leaving your body with every passing second, your eyes glazed over. The image with you like this is burned into my memory and preventing every other gorgeous image of you to take the back burner.

I want this post, in no way shape or form, to be a mournful, pity party post because that’s not what you would want, that’s not who you are.

First and foremost, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for sitting next to my mom at that parent function way back in second grade. I want to thank you for giving my mom the best possible friend every waking second of each day ever since that moment. Thank you for not letting my mom kill me when I’m sure she wanted to. Thank you for loving my mom, guiding her, giving her a shoulder to cry on, laughs, and even better memories. But also, thank you for showing me how a best friend is supposed to be treated/treat you. You were sarcastic, witty, beautiful, a wonderful mother to your son, wife, and many more things.

I know I can’t help my mom through your loss, but please don’t ever leave her. Give her things to remember you by each and every day, no matter how small. Don’t ever stop being that little voice inside her head. My mom feels so alone right now, and I don’t know how to help. You were the only person who knew how to fulfill those crevasses.

While the cancer may have won, your fight was tremendous and for that you’re my idol.

Rest easy and fly high

Since the first week of me being away for school, things have changed drastically. About a month into my college experience here at WCU I put an application in for transfer to a university that’s significantly closer to my house.

Since placing my application in for transfer, a lot has happened. I’ve made fantastic friends, made fairly decent grades, held a steady job on campus, got involved in a few amazing organizations, I’m even currently taking a snowboarding class. All of these positive things have been happening to me, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something missing here.

While I’m having the best social experience possible here at WCU, I absolutely HATE my major. I’ve never disliked so many classes in my life and I’m almost to the point where I’ve taken too many classes and have too many credits to change my major, but that’s what I’m thinking about doing. I went to a five year high school where I graduated with my associate’s degree. So coming into a new setting where I’m supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life and having relatively no time to change my mind at all is unsettling to say in the least.

I miss my boyfriend, I miss my best friend, I miss my family. They are all back home and I’m all the way here at school and I don’t think I want to go through another semester without being close to them. At the same time though, my mom is absolutely against me coming home. She knows it’s my decision, but she keeps saying things like “don’t come home” , “you love WCU” , “you’ll hate it here if you come home” , “You’re only coming because of Chad” , etc. I just want her to support me through this, not tear me down and make me afraid of making a decision.

So I’ve had an epiphany. I’m 19 and it’s fully acceptable to not know what I want to do or to change my mind once in a while.

I’m hoping by this time next month to have my mind made up and to stick with the decision I made. No matter what, I just want to be happy.

Finally being able to take classes that correlate to my major is the best feeling in the world. While other people in my hall are taking all of their “general education” classes, I’m able to take classes that are specific to my major.

Which by the way I’m no longer majoring in Nursing. I took a step back and really evaluated what I wanted to do with my life and I came to the conclusion that nursing isn’t for me, at least not right now. I am currently majoring in Communication Sciences and Disorders and minoring in Communications and Leadership. I eventually want to be an Audiologist or a Speech-Language Pathologist. I’m taking a Sign Language class to become even more fluent in it, and I’m absolutely in love with the language. I’m hoping to eventually be able to study abroad to an all deaf institution while still taking classes that pertain to my major. 

College has been going really well for me lately. While I still miss my very best friend and my boyfriend I fully understand that I made the right decision by coming here and taking this chance. College is what you make of it and I plan on taking every chance and opportunity possible. 

I’m hoping to get involved in multiple organizations on campus while working towards getting a spot in the Leadership House in the Village next year. Fingers crossed.

First Week of College

The first week of college was interesting to say the least. I was required to attend a camp for the first week of school before classes started because of the leadership program that I’m in. I went from not knowing anyone and worried if anyone would like me to kind of knowing people and still wondering if they would like me..

The camp was five days long and during that time we did all sorts of activities for team building and leadership. We went zip lining and I got to help a girl named Maddie conquer her fears of heights (I was so excited about that), we walked up so many hills I’m shocked my calves and ass aren’t rock solid, and cried our eyes out while we talked about fears, past lives, and other obstacles each and every one of us have had to face.

My roommate, Ashley, moved in and we both are still trying to get settled and see what works best for us. We both have made a pretty decent size group of friends, some the same, some different. It’s difficult sharing space with someone, but if I had to choose someone to share it with, I can’t imagine I would pick anyone other than her because she’s so understanding of everything that could potentially bother me.

I took time out of my day to walk to every one of my classes just to have an idea of where I’m going in the mornings (which it’s still highly possible that I’m going to get lost).

 

Meanwhile, classes start tomorrow morning and I have a class at 8:30 and my roommate decided to have five million people over and watch a disney movie marathon. Right after we talked about how I wanted to go to sleep kind of early so I could be rested for classes tomorrow. I’m starting to rethink my decision of liking her as my roommate. 

I think the past two goodbyes were the hardest ones yet, and that’s only because my best friend is still here sitting here with me..

Saying goodbye to my mom and crying in her shoulder as she sings me my favorite childhood song was the hardest thing to hear from her. She’s such a strong person and to see her ball her eyes out as I do the very same.. words cannot describe the sadness I felt. 

Saying goodbye to Chad, if it is only for three weeks (because I’m coming home on Labor Day weekend), sucked just as terribly. He’s been my rock and biggest supporter since day one of our relationship.

I can’t wait to come home and see my mom, my grandma, that ugly ass dog that I thought I hated, but somehow now miss, my boyfriend, and more importantly the best friend a girl could ever ask for.

It’s 10:20 in the morning, and I’ve taken my first community style shower. It was an experience to say in the least.. I think that’s most likely the quickest shower I’ve ever taken in my entire life. Showering at home is a luxury where you relax and unwind for the day and just have some time for yourself. Showering in college is something that is a necessity because you’ve waited entirely too long and you’re beginning to smell.

It’s now 10:25 in the morning and people on my floor will start moving into their dorms in 35 minutes. There’s a dinner tonight for everyone and their friends and family, but all mine will be at home and I don’t know if I can make myself eat dinner by myself while everyone else is spending time with their family. I guess we will see whenever it’s time for that to actually happen.

I’m enjoying my time so far, but I think that’s because I have someone here to keep me company. When she leaves and I’m left to my own devices, it’ll become more difficult. But I know I can do it. I have to be strong and be happy. For myself.

I will make friends

I will make friends

I will make friends

I will make friends

 

DEAR GOD please let me make friends. Someone be crazy enough to like me.